A review of The End of Days
Note - I wrote this review as soon as I saw the movie. Unfortunately I have not been updating lately and so many other even more scathing reviews of this damn thing have emerged. I realize that if I wanted to be unique I would write a review that actually liked The End of Days and found something of value in it. (I did, after all, like Alien 3 and still consider it the best of the series). And I know it's a little like punching a drunk to hack on this movie any further than it's already been trashed, but there are over two hours of my life which I will never get back because of this thing. So here's the review… |
To say that The End of Days is bland is to insult Merchant Ivory's monopoly. Maybe I'm just expecting too much from my action movies due to a steady diet of Hong Kong movies, but the End of Days promised something mystical and dark, akin to The Exorcist or The Prophecy. Instead it was a pale imitation of every other action and horror movie ever made. Every element of the movie is stolen. There is the child of Satan (Rosemary's Baby, The Omen), the Imminent Apocalypse (7th Sign, The Omen), the pursuing monster that will not die (Friday the 13th, Fatal Attraction), the suicide to save the world (Devil's Advocate), The Catholic Church as demon-fighting powerhouses (The Exorcist), Deranged armies of homeless people (Prince of Darkness), Arnold Schwarzennegger being the big hero (his entire career), the wisecracking sidekick, Satan, conspiracies and cults. The outright steals are so damn pervasive that it stops being fun counting them. Not even passages from Revelations are that entertaining.
Satan wants to have a child with the right woman on the right time at the end of the Millennium. Scharzennegger is supposed to stop him, mostly cause he's got bigger guns than the local archdiocese. This movie could have been funny. This movie should have been funny. There's a little wit, like when the priest is asked what time zone that Satan needs to seed. But it's quickly thrown aside for more religious babble especially when the priest explains that the monks knew their stuff and that the Gregorian calendar is precise as to the hour. At this point I remembered that those precise monks got the supposed date of Christ's birth wrong by 4 years in the first place. Nitpicky? Of course. But if it were a good movie I wouldn't be playing "count the plotholes" so readily.
I almost feel bad hating this movie so much, because it is trying to be good. Schwarzennegger is trying to be the suicidal cop with an edge, but he's just the hero. Gabriel Byrne is trying to be an evil Satan and rise above his dialogue. Robin Turney is trying to emote, or retain some dignity in her role. 
Actually maybe not on the last part. I saw this actress in The Craft bitching and crying the whole movie and that's all she does here. She's a bad actress. She's cute, but she's a whiner.
Only there is one moment in the movie where it ALMOST becomes interesting. Gabriel Byne shows up at Schwarzennegger's apartment and tries to find out where the Robin Turney character is stashed. Besides the prerequisite "How-did-the-main-character-get-so-messed-up" bits, Byrne is really trying hard to get Arnold on his side. I sat in my seat practically yelling 'say yes! Say yes!" but it was not going to happen. Arnold has no dark edges. If he switched sides he'd actually be interesting. The movie would do something besides explosions and car chases. It's not going to happen. But it's tempting to think that it could. Potential intrigue merely exposes more soulless character.
Schwarzennegger asks Satan what he wants. Instead of giving an answer, Satan merely tempts Schwarzennegger some more. But because of that scene I remembered the immortal line from the infinitely better Star Trek V - "What does G-d NEED with a SPACEship?" and there's the plot-hole of plot-holes.
Satan never explains why he has a need to breed on a certain night and rule the world. It's just kind of expected that since he's Satan and he's evil he might as well try to take care of ending the world. But there's no reason. He's got a nice cushy little job, he's immortal, he's powerful and yet Satan wants to do the paperwork it takes to run the earth? This is the plot-hole that would be in Revelations if Revelations hadn't been a veiled critique of Rome. I shouldn't complain too much, but when you are subjected to the Satan wants to take over the world shtick for over two hours you start to wonder about it.
But besides the lack of motivation in Satan, there's a lack of initiative. Satan needs this entire conspiracy as well as this entire proper timing thing in order to have sex with one woman. He couldn't just arrange to meet her at a party somewhere and pose as her loser boyfriend for the night. Doesn't he read Greek mythology? No, he needs to blow up a bunch of buildings and let Scharzennegger shoot him over and over again. With all the mistakes and half-assed plans made by Satan, you wonder how this guy became king of the underworld. This might be why he's only called "The Man" in the credits. Maybe he's just one of stupider demons who can't tell time and just want to get laid.
There are dumb action movies and there are boring action movies. There's nothing wrong with dumb action movies. I could watch a From Dusk 'Til Dawn or a Terminator or a Hard Target over and over again. But then there are the action movies that can't blow up enough buildings to cover up their inane pacing. Wild Wild West was shit and it was supposed to be shit. End of Days was even more disappointing because it could have been good. Don't see this movie unless you are very intoxicated or a glutton for punishment. It will ruin you on horror movies for a long time.
Home
The Novel